Urban Arson

The photo you see above is not a balding asian woman but a balding, chubby Chilean known as Nicolas Lopez, director of such fine Chilean blockbusters as Promedio Rojo and Santos. And to answer your question yes, that is a mirrored compact in his hand which he’s using to both check the extent of his rapidly receding hairline and apply lip gloss and other makeup supplies. According to Lopez, as he is known by his friends:

“All Chilean men are taught from a young age to carry makeup products on their person at all times in order to keep their appearance in check. It was a law first enacted in 1975 by our metro-sexual dictator Augusto Pinochet, a man known for his heavy use of eye liner, lipstick, powder foundation, and anti-aging creams. Comandante Pinochet had a talk show which aired nightly and instructed young men and women in the proper use and application of makeup. As Chilean citizens abroad we must look our best in order to uphold our title as the best looking people on Earth.”

Lopez has told me I should start wearing makeup as well, but as a heterosexual my appearance isn’t important enough to require eye shadow and lip liner to raise my self esteem. When I disagree he just shrugs and continues to apply his makeup in peace. He’s never tried to force his customs or culture on mine, which is probably why we’re friends. One of us flamboyant and effeminate while the other is the epitome of masculinity, basically a black version of Chuck Norris.

We recently returned to Los Angeles from a trip to San Diego. About 15 minutes outside of the city Lopez unexpectedly grabbed my steering wheel and bounded us off of the highway on an unplanned excursion to Disneyland at 4:30 pm. I paid their ridiculous parking fee and walked the 5 miles to the entrance of the “Happiest Place On Earth.”

5 sets of gates and 2 cavity searches later Lopez lied about his birthday and received free admittance, while my moral ass had to plunk down $65. Once inside Lopez went nuts hugging every character he could find. Mickey, Minnie, Donald, and Goofy weren’t ready for the bear hugs he was dishin’ out. At random intervals he’d stop in the middle of the street to apply more makeup then continue to romp around the park dragging me to every geeky ride he could find. We saw ASIMO, the Japanese robot, which should be called AWESOM-O, because it was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen and then we got some food. After eating a $17 hotdog and a $9 ice cream bar, Lopez wasn’t feeling so hot. So he applied some more makeup which he claims calms his stomach and we sat down to watch an amazing fireworks show. After one more cavity search to make sure we hadn’t stolen any Mickey and friends keychains we left the park. $100 poorer I drove the 20 miles to Silverlake where we promptly went to sleep.

This was just one day of our adventures together and there will be many more in the coming weeks. I’ll be posting regular updates as this story progresses.

After the power outage in Silverlake last night, I discovered how ill prepared I was for such occurrences. It was about midnight, and I was watching Episode 13 Season 2 of 24. Jack Bauer was about to go break some terrorist’s face and boom the power went out, the fans on my many computers whirled to a stop. The room’s only illumination was the light of my laptop.

I just sat there in silence, patiently knowing that it would soon come back on and everything would be right in the world. After 5 minutes of fiddling with my iPhone and watching the battery meter on my laptop fall from 99% to 93% I started to get worried. Was this city wide? What do I do next? Are zombies involved? What do I do if they are? I think, machetes are better than handguns because, “you ain’t gotta reload a machete.”

Bam, just like that, the power came back on, my computers and TV roared to life, automatically restarting themselves; I would be back to watching Bauer torture evil doers with a butter knife to the knee cap before — and there goes the power again. What the hell? Who’s teasing me?

My laptop had charged back up to 95% but quickly resumed its downward spiral to drainsville. My iPhone was at 20%, and I started to panic. I looked out the window and saw that the rest of LA was shining brilliantly, so obviously this was a localized problem. The neighbors’ houses were as dark as mine and in my head I shook a fist at Silverlake; it’s easy going bohemian lifestyle perfectly “Austinesque” for an easy transition, were undoubtably the exact social climate needed for zombies to spawn.

The zombies were coming for sure so I pulled out a charge cord and plugged my iPhone into my sole source of power, the laptop, then I quickly closed the laptop to conserve energy. 

Side note: If you have an Apple laptop (Macbook Pro or Macbook) you can use it to charge USB devices even when it’s in sleep mode. Just plug it in before you close the computer.

Unless the outbreak happened next door I would have a few hours before it became wide spread, so I decided to go to sleep because I would need my strength. I woke up at 7am and everything was right as rain. My laptop and iPhone were fully charged, and my computers were up and running, doing their daily tasks. Zombie holocaust averted, I went for a run; during which I came to some conclusions.

1. I have no flashlights or portable power sources.
2. I have 1 pocket knife and other than my bags of Minneola Tangelos and Clementine Mandarins (the world’s perfect fruits), no portable food.
3. When I’m presented with a simple problem like lack of power, my mind immediately points to zombie attack as the only explanation.
4. My dependence on the power grid is so entwined with my personal happiness that I’d kiss it if I didn’t think it would kill me.

I need modern convenience, it has made me who I am. So I’d like to thank Nikola Tesla for his limitless strokes of genius in the field of energy and George Westinghouse whose tireless pocketbook aided Tesla in creating such wonderful things.

And a big screw you to Thomas Edison for his rise to the top on the backs of so many great minds, without due compensation and his attempts to discredit AC power in favor of DC. You bastard.

This is easily one of the most chilling photos I’ve ever seen. Forgotten memories from the near future. I couldn’t find out who made it or any information about it’s origin so I decided to make up a story about its future.

Two little boys take a photo with their robot friend, T-100. One day they’ll grow up and forget about him just like that dog your parents got you when you were 8. They’ll leave him behind and his emotion circuits will be crushed. 20 years later he’ll go out on an adventure with other household appliances to find his former masters. After searching high and low, in rain, sleet, and snow, a rust covered hand will open the window shutter of a suburban home and see that his master has forgotten him; moving on to bigger and better modern robot models. The young robot and other appliances take up shelter in a nearby forest, and meet other misfit robots who are formulating a plot to “kill all humans.”

The robot wakes to a fully charged battery, his solar cells having collected a days worth of energy in the “Judgement Day” sun. T-100 rises to his feet and admires his new hands installed by a repair bot. First they turn into human hands, then spiked hammers, and finally smooth chrome ice picks. He transforms them into rusted robot hands to match his corroded body, walks over to the home of his master and rings the doorbell. Behind his back his hands become ice picks. The door opens and a 20 something Jimmy jumps out to hug the downtrodden T-100. “T, I haven’t seen you in years. I missed you so much!” cries Jimmy. T-100’s hands go back to normal and he completes the hug. Then there’s a crack, and thousands of robots come running out of the woods impaling every human in sight. 

This is a future reality. According to every movie about the future I’ve ever scene, robots will eventually enslave us all…