Urban Arson

The photo you see above is not a balding asian woman but a balding, chubby Chilean known as Nicolas Lopez, director of such fine Chilean blockbusters as Promedio Rojo and Santos. And to answer your question yes, that is a mirrored compact in his hand which he’s using to both check the extent of his rapidly receding hairline and apply lip gloss and other makeup supplies. According to Lopez, as he is known by his friends:

“All Chilean men are taught from a young age to carry makeup products on their person at all times in order to keep their appearance in check. It was a law first enacted in 1975 by our metro-sexual dictator Augusto Pinochet, a man known for his heavy use of eye liner, lipstick, powder foundation, and anti-aging creams. Comandante Pinochet had a talk show which aired nightly and instructed young men and women in the proper use and application of makeup. As Chilean citizens abroad we must look our best in order to uphold our title as the best looking people on Earth.”

Lopez has told me I should start wearing makeup as well, but as a heterosexual my appearance isn’t important enough to require eye shadow and lip liner to raise my self esteem. When I disagree he just shrugs and continues to apply his makeup in peace. He’s never tried to force his customs or culture on mine, which is probably why we’re friends. One of us flamboyant and effeminate while the other is the epitome of masculinity, basically a black version of Chuck Norris.

We recently returned to Los Angeles from a trip to San Diego. About 15 minutes outside of the city Lopez unexpectedly grabbed my steering wheel and bounded us off of the highway on an unplanned excursion to Disneyland at 4:30 pm. I paid their ridiculous parking fee and walked the 5 miles to the entrance of the “Happiest Place On Earth.”

5 sets of gates and 2 cavity searches later Lopez lied about his birthday and received free admittance, while my moral ass had to plunk down $65. Once inside Lopez went nuts hugging every character he could find. Mickey, Minnie, Donald, and Goofy weren’t ready for the bear hugs he was dishin’ out. At random intervals he’d stop in the middle of the street to apply more makeup then continue to romp around the park dragging me to every geeky ride he could find. We saw ASIMO, the Japanese robot, which should be called AWESOM-O, because it was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen and then we got some food. After eating a $17 hotdog and a $9 ice cream bar, Lopez wasn’t feeling so hot. So he applied some more makeup which he claims calms his stomach and we sat down to watch an amazing fireworks show. After one more cavity search to make sure we hadn’t stolen any Mickey and friends keychains we left the park. $100 poorer I drove the 20 miles to Silverlake where we promptly went to sleep.

This was just one day of our adventures together and there will be many more in the coming weeks. I’ll be posting regular updates as this story progresses.

Tags: Disneyland, Nicolas Lopez, Santos

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 18th, 2009 at 16:58:58 and is filed under Humor, Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.